there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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