your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
