I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
