So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
