we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
