Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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