I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize