You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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