Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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