You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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