billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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