Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
someone owes me an orgasm
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
