I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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