Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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