i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
