Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
