Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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