Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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