before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
