If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
