please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
