I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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