Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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