I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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