Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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