My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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