You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
