so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize