My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
