You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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