if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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