I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
