Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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