my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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