It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
