I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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