How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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