Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
