Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Pants 0. Shit 1.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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