my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize