I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
