RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
