i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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