just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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