I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
