tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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