Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
