Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
