I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Im part way to drunk.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
