i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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