Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
