i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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