K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
