i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
