so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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