ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I deserve to be covered in dicks
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
