That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
