is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
is that a dick in a sweater?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
