this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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