i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
